BalancedMum.com

Create your 3 magic words for 2012

2012-01-25T15:50:00.000Z

Happy New Year!

I have noticed that decreasing numbers of people bother with New Year's resolutions. Those that do, tend to have resolutions based around changing a habit, and there is a big gap between wanting to change a habit and actually doing it. I have two suggestions. Firstly, use NLP to change habits (see later section on current offerings). Secondly create three magic words for your year ahead. Your magic words should be areas of focus, which together form your holistic vision. If you are finding it hard to get focussed after the holidays, this can really help.

Quick Quote

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

Create your three magic words

To create your vision:

Choose three magic words which will help you focus and create a vision for your 2012. Imagine how you would like to be and make sure they are things which you have not already achieved. My personal words are growth, presence (being in the moment and not worring about the future or thinking about the past) and fun. For my business, my words are courage, persistence and synergy.
Create a vision board or an audio depending on whether you prefer to see or hear your motivational words. Include your three words and anything else which inspires you. Find or draw pictures which reflect the words you have chosen or create metaphors for your words. Look/listen to it every day. You could even make a screen saver with your three words on.
Imagine you are embodying your three words. With a clear 3-4 metres in front of you, close your eyes and imagine how you feel and what you see and hear in your current situation. Take 2 steps forward and, saying your three magic words, imagine that you are moving towards them. Finally, take a further 2 steps and imagine yourself achieving your three words. Allow yourself to be immersed. Repeat this exercise when you need a boost.
Share your words by commenting below. There is nothing like sharing your vision to provide some accountability!
Let me know how you are doing. I love to hear when you make progress, and of course, I am always happy to help if you are stuck.

If you find any of the above steps hard, give me a ring on 07764 235394 and we can arrange a time for me to help you. I can even help you embody your three words over the phone!

Let me know what your three words are!

Happiness Pig

2011-12-16T15:24:00.002Z

Just a bit of happiness sharing - 4 minutes long. Enjoy

Create time through effective delegation

2011-12-15T13:50:00.001Z

My 8 year old is keen to help less fortunate children in Africa (charities at the bottom) and I suggested he hold a cake and bracelet stall at his school. My aim was for him to own the event and do the leg work with my role to gently guide and to offer suggestions where appropriate. What a challenge! How tempting I found it to jump in and write the emails for him (much quicker), to design the posters for him (much more effective) and to do the baking for him (much more efficient). My delegation skills were tested to the limit and I don't mind admitting that I found it hard. But, through empowering him, he has gained skills, confidence and is proud of his achievement. It was an investment. I would like to share the lessons I learnt, some tips on delegating and I would encourage you to delegate as much as possible to people at home and at work. The more the load is shared, the more we can all enjoy the festive period.

Quick Quote
“Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity." ~ General George Smith Patton, Jr

What can your kids and colleagues do that are on your "to do list"? Start with your home life and then re-do it for work if it's relevant to you:
     * Create a list of all the tasks you have to do (this is a useful thing to do anyway)
     * Write down all the people you could delegate to. This list should include everyone over the age of 2 in your house (even 2/3 year olds can clean skirting boards with wet-wipes!)
     * Allocate some of the tasks to each of the people. Tip - If you were taken ill and couldn't get out of your bed until Christmas, who would you delegate what to? You can direct from your bed but you can't do any of the tasks yourself. It may sound scary, but give the thought process a go.
     * Ask people which tasks they would like to do (getting them to choose rather than dictating is likely to get more buy-in)
     * Make sure they are clear what the task entails. They need to know what a successful outcome looks like? How will they know they have finished? When do they need to do it by? Giving people flexibility on timing allows them to fit it around how they feel and what they have going on (although you may need to be stricter with the under 5's!)
     * Empower them by teaching them anything which will help them - skills, knowledge, tips.
     * Check progress regularly - give feedback (some positive before the constructive feedback) and help solve problems but DON'T take over!
     * Celebrate their achievements and show appreciation.

This point is on its own because it is key:
     * Let people do things their own individual way. There is no right way to do things. Do not, under any circumstances re-do a job which someone has done because it is not perfect - you know what I mean! There are many ways to stack a dish-washer and I guarantee that your 5 year old won't stack it the most efficient way. Say thank you, close the door and put it on! And there is no perfect way to decorate a Christmas tree either. Celebrate everyone's creativity and go with the flow.

What do you find hard to delegate? Do you have any tips on delegating? Please share your ideas (and let me know if you have problems commenting below.

If you find any of the above steps hard, give me a ring on 07764 235394 and I will help you.

"Give up control even if it means the employees have to make some mistakes. - Frank Flores."

A poignant poem by an old man

2011-11-16T08:47:00.000Z

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Crabby Old Man...
What do you see nurses? . . ... . . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . . When you're looking at me?
A crabby old man . .. . . . Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .... . . . . With faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . . .. . And makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice .. .. . .... . The things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . .. . .. . The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . .... . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . .. . You're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am. . . . .... . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . .. . As I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .. . . .. With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . .. ... .. Who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. With wings on his feet.
Dreaming that soon now . . . . ... A lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . .. My heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . . That I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . .... . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other .. . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons . . ... . . Have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . . . . To see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children .. . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future . . . . . Shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . .... . . . Young of their own.
And I think of the years .. . . .. . And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . ..... And nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . . . . . Look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . Grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . . Where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . . . A young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . My battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . ... . Life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . . ... Gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . .. . . That nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . ... . Open and see.
Not a crabby old man . ... . . Look closer . .. . See ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.

We may all, one day, be there, too!

Don't let Marketa's life have been lost in vain

2011-11-04T12:03:00.000Z

It is with a heavy heart that I write this as a lovely lady who I coached on her business and through her cancer and who became a friend, has passed away leaving a young daughter. During her final year (although she was positive about recovery) she was an inspiration. She had always wanted to play the piano, so she started learning. She loved yoga and made time to enjoy her yoga with the sunrise whenever possible. She spent time with horses as this gave her peace and strength. And as a means of staying in touch with many friends she wrote a blog with positive, inspiring thoughts. In one of her last photos, she is laughing with her daughter, enjoying precious time with her.

Quick Quote

“There are many wonderful things that will never be done if you do not do them" - Charles D Gill

Questions which could change your life

Imagine that you only had 1 year to live. What would you do over the next 12 months? What if you only had 1 month?

What would you stop doing? If you first instinct is your job, then the question is, could you do a different job that that would provide the same level of income? Alternatively maybe you don’t need as much income as you have – down-sizing has made many people happy as they focus on the important things and simplify their lives (whether they chose this route or circumstances forced it). Which chores are you doing that aren't essential (people who know me know I am on a mission to stop people ironing!)
Who would you see or spend time talking to? Who are the important people in your life. How often do you see or speak to them? Do they know you love them?
Do you have an unfulfilled dream? Somewhere you would like to go? A skill that you would like to learn? Maybe you could ask for vouchers for Christmas?
When are you happiest? When do you feel most at peace, in the zone, free?

Obviously there are practical considerations given that, hopefully, you have a lot longer to live, but take action as a result of any insights you have had from these questions. If you find yourself making excuses, then give me a call – my clients will tell you - I will help you overcome them!

My friend no longer has the chance to fulfil any more dreams - but you do...

Do you take the time to understand the other person's point of view?

2011-09-09T10:18:00.000+01:00

This is a short story to illustrate a point.
Sand in the lounge.....

A Dad walked into the house after a stressful day at work to find a pile of sand in the middle of the lounge, brought in by his 6 year old daughter, while his wife had been in the shower. This was the last thing that he needed after the day that he had just had so he scolded her and sent her to bed crying.

After cleaning up the sand (still in his work clothes) he went upstairs to change. He peered into his little girl's room to see that she had fallen asleep and, as he did this, his wife emerged from the bathroom and said " Sally said she was going to make you a special sandcastle - did you like it?".

His wife obviously wasn't aware that their daugher had made it in the lounge and he hadn't taken the time to think about the positive intention behind the behaviour, or to listen to what his daughter had to say.....

When could you listen better, and take time to see the other person's point of view before making a judgement?

Continue the holiday feeling

2011-08-26T14:18:00.000+01:00

It is normal after a holiday to feel a little blue, but even if you haven't been on holiday recently, this is a fun exercise to do:

Close your eyes for a few seconds, or allow yourself to think without distractions
Take your mind back to your (last) holiday and feel how you felt, see the location, hear the sounds, taste what you ate and drank
Identify what in particular it was about your holiday that you loved. Be as specific as you can
Brainstorm ways in which you could replicate those feelings on a regular basis and be as creative as you can
Pick one or two ideas which you can incorporate into your everyday life

If you are struggling for ideas, here my top ten:

Sunshine - get outside at least once a day including a lunch break (however quick)
Relaxation - for a few minutes a day, breathe properly, in through your nose so that your stomach extends, and look straight ahead but notice your peripheral vision (or close your eyes and visualise your holiday)
Exercise - choose an exercise that you enjoy and incorporate it into your routine
Nature - can you explore places near to where you live at the weekend
Time with your loved ones - make regular time for the people who are important to you. Make them a priority.
Excitement - why not take up a new hobby or challenge?
Good food - try cooking some holiday dishes and experiment with new recipes
New plans - if you came up with new ideas on holiday, put the next step in your diary and make it happen
No emails - create a prioritised plan for your first week back and make sure you create time in the day when you don't check emails
The grass is greener - Acknowledge and appreciate what you do have in your life (it's a good habit to think of this every evening - with your kids too).

If you have other ideas, do comment below and let me know...

If you are finding it really hard to go back to work, maybe you need to re-think your job or career. It may seem idealistic to aim for a job which you enjoy but many people do achieve it. Some just tweak their existing job. Others take a big leap. If you are looking for a change, some career coaching could be the ticket to changing your life for the better: http://www.balancedmum.com/career-coaching/index.php. Give me a call on 07764 235394 and we can discuss how.

How old would you feel if you didn't know how old you were?

2011-08-02T12:05:00.000+01:00

I celebrated my 40th birthday this week and I started thinking about age and the stigma it has in our society. I don't feel any older than I did in my twenties except that I am much wiser. If you awoke from a coma with no memory of your age and no mirror, how old would you feel? I think that is the most important thing, not the number derived from your birth certificate.

Quick Quote
"You are as young as you feel. If you begin to feel the warmth of your soul, there will be a youthfulness in you that no one will be able to take away from you." ~ John O'Donohue (Anam Cara: A book of celtic wisdom)

You are as young as you think
You may have heard the saying that you are as old as you feel. But how you feel is dependant on what you are thinking. So I believe that you are as young as you think. Age is a state of mind. You can choose to think the thoughts that you had 20 years ago, although you would probably choose to get rid of the more silly and negative thoughts!

Some tips on staying young:

Keep up with the changing world
Regularly interact with people younger than you
Keep learning, including from your children and younger generations
Stay open minded - I think people start appearing old when they have fixed views and can't see other perspectives
Remain curious
Exercise and relax regularly
Wear clothes which make you feel younger (bright and fun)

My grandma, in her 80's was always helping the "old lady" down the road who was 70. Grandma refused to be old!
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter" ~ Mark Twain

What do you think?

A story about how your perception can change your version of reality

2011-06-27T13:04:00.000+01:00

One day a rich father took his son on a trip to the countryside with the sole aim of showing him how poor people can be.

They spent a day and a night at the farm of a very poor family. When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

"Very good Dad!"

"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.
"Yes I did Dad!"

"What did you learn?"

The son answered, "I saw that we have a dog at home, and they have four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden; they have a river that flows all the way to the sea. We have imported lamps in the garden; they have the stars. Our patio reaches to the front garden, they have a whole horizon."

When the little boy was describing what he saw, his father was speechless.

His son continued, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are!"
Isn't it true that it all depends on the way you look at things?

The moral of this story is: If you have love, friends, family, health, good humour and a positive attitude towards life, you've got everything. You can't buy any of these things. You can have all the material possessions you can imagine, provisions for the future, etc... but if you are poor of spirit, you have nothing.

The secret to looking and feeling great

2011-05-19T08:50:00.000+01:00

Are you one of the 22 million adults in Britain who say that they are unable to take as much exercise as they feel they should? You are not alone! In this post we will look at 7 steps to help you get fitter.

Quick Quote
“Those who think they have not time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness.” ~ Edward Stanley

Put exercise back into your routine

1. Create motivation - describe how you will benefit from exercise or enter an event. If you choose to exercise to fulfil a desire (to be lighter, able to run with the kids, healthier, clearer minded) rather than thinking you should do it, you are more likely to succeed. Doing a sponsored run, walk or other event is also extremely motivating

2. Decide what you enjoy doing. Many of my clients have started Zumba, dance, or a racquet sport. I am learning to ice-skate. Other clients have taken up yoga, walking, swimming or exercising with their kids (and don't just watch them!). Enjoyment is key to sustainability.

3. Find out where you can do this activity - do the research and find out what is available
Work out when you can do it.

4. Make sure it fits with your schedule - on the way to or from work for example. Many gyms give you cheap rates if your child is in a class. If you do it first thing in the morning you will feel great all day!

5. Put it in your diary for the next 2 months as a regular appointment so that it becomes a habit (if you can) - make it sacred time. If you can't make it, move the time, don't delete it.

6. Find someone else to do it with - you are more likely to keep it up if someone else is there to encourage you

7. Bonus exercise - walk instead of driving and run up the stairs instead of taking the lift - I know you've heard it before but...

By the way, don't aim for 7 times a week as you are likely to fail and may give up altogether. Start doing something once, twice or three times a week and build up.

If you can't find the time, give me a ring! I help people, both through coaching and through my time management courses, find the time for the important things - it is possible!
Why not share your new exercise by commenting below- there's nothing like telling everyone what you are doing to create accountability!

Are you missing a vital ingredient?

2011-04-07T14:56:00.000+01:00

It's time for new beginnings...
Spring is in the air. The sun is shining and the daffodils are out. It's a time for new beginnings. This is reflected in an upsurge in clients asking for career coaching...People are deciding that they are fed up with their current situation but aren't sure what the "right answer" is. That's where I can help (http://www.balancedmum.com/career-coaching/index.php), but more of that later. Often dissatisfaction arises when the values which are important to you aren't being met. It needn't be so...

Quick Quote
"You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice." ~ Steven D. Woodhull

Which of your values are not being met?

Our values change throughout our life and often change considerably after significant events such as becoming a parent, losing a loved one, health issues or being made redundant. Below are a list of typical values. Try this exercise:

1.Write down all the values from the list below which are very important to you

2.Circle those very important values which are not currently being fully met. It is likely that these are your pain points

3.Write down the changes to your current occupation/situation which would help you fulfil those values (you may find this difficult)

Skills & Knowledge: Knowlegeable, New frontiers, Skillful, Complexity, Self development, Intellectual stimulation, Challenge

Creativity: Communicate ideas, express uniqueness, create beauty, create ideas

Control: Freedom, security, clarity, predictability, responsibility, precision work, take risks

Purpose: Achievement, helping individuals, helping society, making a difference, working towards common goals, see results, excitement, enjoyment

Status: High living standard, power & authority, command respect, promotion opportunities, influential, receive recognition, adequate remuneration

Environment: Public contact, fast pace, physical, outdoors, manual, ideal location, acceptable commute, variety

Culture: High morals and ethics, close relationships, supportive, competitive

Need help to work out how to fulfil more of your values? Contact me on 07764 235394

Find a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

How to spot a stroke

2011-03-14T09:55:00.000Z

I hope you'll never need this, but you never know...you may be able to save someone's life:

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

S *Ask the individual to SMILE.

T *Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently)

(e.g. It is sunny out today.)

R *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call emergency number immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

New Sign of a Stroke -------- Stick out Your Tongue

NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out his tongue. If the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other that is also an indication of a stroke.

Seeing the funny side of things can make you a better parent, manager and employee

2011-03-09T14:49:00.000Z

Can you see the funny side?
I have been extremely busy over the last couple of weeks, coaching, training and following up marketing opportunities. It is easy when we're under pressure to take things too seriously and to forget to smile. It would have been easy for me to feel discouraged that 2 people dropped out of my course the night before it ran as they suddenly had to go to hospital. The other way to look at it (once I knew they were ok), was "I'm amazed at the lengths people will go to to avoid my courses!" (maybe just my sense of humour but it made me smile!)

Quick Quote

“You can't really be strong until you can see a funny side to things” ~ Ken Kesey

A bit of fun

When things are a little stressed at work or at home or if your kids have done something annoying:

1.Take a deep breath and stand back

2.See if you can see the funny side

3.Smile (even if you can't see a funny side) - it makes you feel more attractive, confident and positive

4.Share your funny thoughts with others so they can smile too

5.Also, think of activities and people who make you smile and schedule some time in your diary (if you find this hard, my Time to Achieve course will help you enormously)

I challenge you not to smile at this clip. It is hilarious:Baby video. The Dad is tearing up his rejection letter and making his baby laugh so much you wonder if he can actually take a breath - an amazing lesson into how to turn adversity to hilarity.

Have you got any examples of when you've seen the funny side that you would like to share?

Focus on the people you love

2011-02-10T13:47:00.000Z

One of my clients is very lucky to be alive having just been in a horrific car crash. With her permission, she is allowing me to share one of her responses to this accident - "I feel lucky to be here with my family and friends and want to let them know how much they mean to me." She has decided to send them cards with heartfelt wishes in them. Valentines day is a commercial day when we often feel obliged to buy things for our other half or feel bad if we don't have one. I think a better idea is to focus regularly on the people who are important to you, through communicating more with them and/or spending more time with them. I have a quick exercise to help you.

Quick Quote

“The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being.” ~ Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lamat

Are you spending enough time with the people who are important to you?

1.Write down, in the middle of a page, the people who mean the most to you and draw a circle round them (imagine you had a day to live. These are the people you'd like to be with). This is your closest circle.

2.Around that, write down the people who are important in your life, but not in your closest circle and draw a circle around them.

3.Finally, write down the people you interact with regularly but who you wouldn't regard as being close to

4.In a different colour, next to each person's name, write how much time you have spent with each person over the last month (on the phone or in person)

5.Highlight those people you would like to be spending more time with, and those you would like to spend less with

6.Decide how you can make that happen (if you are struggling, my time management course will help!)

7.To take it one step further, communicate more deeply with the people in your closest circle, in writing (as my client is doing), by phone, or in person

What would your response have been to surviving a car crash? Share your thoughts

Create Magic Moments in 2011

2011-01-13T12:05:00.000Z

Quick Quote

"A moment lasts all of a second, but the memory lives on forever" ~ Unknown

What were your magical moments?

Here is a different way to look at things:

1. What were your most magical moments last year?

2. Which memories were created last year which you would like to keep?

3. Which events would you like to repeat or increase in 2011?

4. At the end of 2011, when you are looking back, which new magical moments would you like to be able to reflect on?

5. What steps do you need to take to ensure your reflections of 2011 will be magical?

Back to basics - could you benefit?

2010-12-22T10:58:00.000Z

Quick Quote

“There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues, the most dominating virtues of human society, are created, strengthened and maintained” ~ Winston Churchill

Back to basics in the snow

My main lessons from the snow experience are:

1. Snow is loads of fun and means you can be a big kid again (which I don't do often enough)

2. When you are only able to accomplish the essentials, that is ok. It has forced me to prioritise

3. It's amazing what you can achieve on foot (shopping with a sledge is an interesting experience) and I am now fitter than I was

4. Basic human requirements become very important - warmth, food and drink (we had lots of blankets, food and water when we set off in the car at the weekend)

5. Most people are community minded and willing to help each other when times get tough, even strangers

6. Always have a plan B. My parents are due up for Christmas and after their flight was cancelled I started planning a second, late Christmas in case they don't make it in time. They are currently on a train and we are keeping fingers crossed...

What have you learnt from the snow?

What are you going to change as a result, when the snow abates?

Let me know by commenting here...

The Twelve Tips of Christmas

2010-11-24T13:57:00.000Z

Just in case you hadn't noticed, Christmas is approaching! It is easy to get overwhelmed by the paraphernalia and feel exhausted just thinking about it. I have put together a few tips which you may not already do, to help smooth the path. And don't forget, now is about the right time to be making your Christmas cake if you plan to make your own!

Traditions

1. Create memorable family traditions - be creative. It is often these which make Christmas special. Ideas: Beforehand do something for charity with the kids, bake gifts for friends/neighbours or do some Christmassy art and crafts. Make Christmas eve special by reading books by candlelight or going to the cinema and on Christmas day have a hike after lunch or a Christmas family football or rounders match.

Food

2. Freeze warming meals ahead of guests arriving

3. Book a grocery delivery slot well in advance for pre-Christmas delivery

4. Give everyone responsibility for one aspect of Christmas dinner

Presents/cards
5. Write an electronic card list as printable address labels to re-use every year

6. If cash conscious, offer services e.g. baby-sitting or being their personal shopper

7. For people with too much “stuff” ask for/buy experiences, memberships or days out (for kids too)

8. Buy presents for kids online and get them sent straight to their parents to wrap (do the same for them) if they are not local. Otherwise order online and pick up in store

9. Buy spare chocolates in case you forget anyone!

10. Wrap presents as you buy them

On the day

11. Have pen/paper to record who presents are from

12. Enjoy...it’s about fun time together... and don’t seek perfection

If you have any tips you would like to share, just let me know here...

Create more time by giving others responsibility

2010-10-13T12:57:00.001+01:00

Give responsibility to others!

My 5 year old came down wearing one sock over the weekend. I sent him upstairs to find the other one. He returned with a different sock which didn't match. "It doesn't matter" he said...and he was right! In the grand scheme of things does it really matter if he is wearing odd socks? And is it worth crushing his fledgling independence to make him conform to my prior beliefs and expectations? I don't think so. Today I am going to ask how much responsibility you give when you delegate a task to your kids, partner, colleagues or friends.

Quick Quote

"The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence" ~ Dennis Waitley

Benefit from delegating

I'd like you to think about how often you delegate, both at home, and if relevant, at work. What are your aims?

Do you aim to:

get the job done to the highest standard
receive the output you are expecting?

Would it be better to:

get the job done to a "good enough" standard
develop the person you are giving responsibility to
learn from how the other person approaches the task?

Don't moan about how much you have to do - ask for help. As an example (but there are many more!), next time you ask for help loading the dishwasher, don't re-do it afterwards because its not exactly how you normally do it - this makes your helpers feel undervalued and will put them off helping again. Instead, when asking for help to complete a task:

Work out how much it matters and what "good enough" is
Assess the ability of the person you are delegating to and give them guidance in areas you think might help them
Specify the things you are particular about so they get it right first time (but try to restrain yourself from specifying every last detail!).

A story which generates faith in humankind and the inspiration to be audacious

2010-09-29T12:06:00.000+01:00

I had the privilege to be invited to the great hall in Edinburgh castle last week for an evening do. It was quite an experience and made me feel special even though I had only done the same as 111,000 other women across the UK - taken part in the Breakthrough Cancer study, which was initiated and led by Professor Anthony Swerdlow. I was able to talk directly to this amazing man, and it is his vision and determination, and what we can learn from it, which I would like to share with you today.

Quick Quote

“He whose ranks are united in purpose will be victorious.” ~ Sun Tzu

A story which generates faith in humankind and the inspiration to be audacious
Professor Swerdlow's audacious vision:

•create a study of 100,000 women over 40 years to allow scientists to identify the factors which contribute to the development of breast cancer

His achievement after 10 years:

•111,000 women across the UK have contributed to the Breakthrough Generations study after 10 years and exciting new discoveries are already being unearthed

This has been possible both because of the individual leader and because of the united masses:

1. Professor Anthony Swerdlow was prepared to ask for funding for a 40 year project (the first response was that he was mad) and believed it was possible when others were doubtful.

2. 111,000 women in Britain were united in the desire to give valuable time and blood samples because they believed their contribution could help, with no immediate personal gain. Only the first few women were asked directly by Breakthrough Generations to participate. Incredibly nearly everyone has taken part having been introduced to it by friends and family.

What are you afraid to try / ask for?

Is there anything which you would like to achieve or change but are afraid to try? Is there a bigger cause which you would like to stick your neck out for or is there something within your organisation, business or home which you would like to change? This could be anything from developing a new charity to asking to go part-time, implementing a new business idea or asking someone for help. Are you afraid of failing, being rejected or being told "no"? My advice:

•Create a clear vision of what you'd like to achieve or change (be audacious!)

•Have faith in human spirit - most people are helpful and understanding, and garner support wherever possible

•Just ask - you never know!

If you would like help clarifying your vision or overcoming the barriers to achieving your vision / making a particular change, coaching can really help you - if you just ask! It's amazing what you can achieve with support. Just email anna@balancedmum.com or ring 07764 235394 to discuss how I can help you or find more information on http://www.balancedmum.com/.

The aim of this newsletter is not to recruit more people for the study but if you are interested in finding out more, their website is http://www.breakthroughgenerations.org./uk

A technique to overcome procrastination

2010-06-30T14:12:00.000+01:00

Quick Quote

"If you want to make an easy job seem mighty hard, just keep putting off doing it." ~Olin Miller

A technique to overcome procrastination (1 hour of productive time)

1. Take 2 subjects/projects/areas of work which are very different, including one which you have been resisting. We will call them project A and B

2. Get a kitchen timer or stopwatch or use your mobile timer

3. Use the following sequence to work on your projects:

• Project A (5 minutes exactly)

• Project B (5 minutes exactly)

• Project A (10 minutes exactly)

• Project B (10 minutes exactly)

• Project A (15 minutes exactly)

• Project B (15 minutes exactly)

Tips to make this method work:

• Do not allow yourself to get distracted by anything else. If you do get distracted, just restart the timer from the time at the beginning of the distraction

• Be strict about stopping when the time is up - it is easier to restart something which is incomplete than to start something new

• Start the next project immediately without a gap

• Make sure the projects are quite distinct from each other

• Give yourself limited targets for each time burst (break your project down into bite-sized, manageable chunks)

• Be prepared to have unfinished work lying around. Use a plastic folder to keep it in if it's paperwork. This will give you an incentive to finish it!

PS I like having time to focus on one thing so I was seriously sceptical about this approach, but believe me, it works! Just give it a try...

If you like this, then you will like my course: http://www.balancedmum.com/Time-To-Achieve.pdf

Holiday heaven....or hell?

2010-06-30T14:05:00.002+01:00

“Those that say you can't take it with you never saw a car packed for a holiday trip” ~ unknown

Top ten tips for an enjoyable holiday

1. If possible, get your parents or other family to join you on holiday so that you can have some time off on your own and as a couple

2. In the week before you go away on holiday, don't put clothes away that you intend to take with you. Start piles for each member of the family which can then be quickly piled into suitcases

3. Use plastic bags as "drawers" when you pack to keep things organised, and have a light and dark washing bag to fill up during the holiday (extra tip - have dark and light washing bags in your washing basket so stuff gets sorted as it goes in!)

4. Create an electronic "to take" list for holidays with additional sub-lists for self catering or camping - just print it off each time and make any subtle changes required and similarly, create an electronic "to do" list as well which reminds you to take the bin out, sort out the pets, cancel the cleaner etc.

5. Buy a couple of new Cds, books or Dvds (or save from Christmas) for the journey and make sure you have a rainy day kit with a few fun things to bring out if necessary

6. For very young children, a drink is a good idea for flights at take off and descent, and for older children lollipops are always popular, as they can find it hard to swallow on demand

7. Book your kids into some activities (in your home town or when away) to buy yourself some "me time"

8. Discuss with all members of your family what they would like to get out of their holiday, and the key activity/visit they would like to do. Make sure everyone gets their number 1 request, assuming their request is practical (imaginations need to be tempered sometimes!)

9. Although the priority is to relax, kids especially still need some routine so make sure you still have enough structure to each day to keep things calm, even if it is only regular meal times.

10. Try and see the fun in every situation, relax and take loads of photos to keep you going through the winter months!

Thanks to Fiona from Manic Mums for the topic idea.

Do you have any tips which you would like to add? Please let us know so that others can benefit too...

New course for you - Time to Achieve!

2010-06-30T13:59:00.000+01:00

Do you:

o Feel that you need more hours in your day

o Wish that you were more organised

o Have a list of “mustn’t forgets” and “should be doings” whizzing round your head

o Waste time searching for everyday items or documents

o Find yourself bogged down by everyday trivia

o Wish you had more balance in your life

o Have things in your life that you’d like to achieve but don’t get around to?

Would you like to:

o Understand how you currently spend your time

o Decide what your priorities are and what you’d like to achieve

o Develop systems to organise your “stuff” and become free of clutter

o Learn techniques to organise your time and get things under control

o Discover how to overcome procrastination and get things done?

Achieve all this and more by booking onto the next Edinburgh course over 3 Sunday evenings 6:30pm – 9pm: September 5th, 12th & 26th for just £127 (including a FREE 31 day document diary)

Don’t procrastinate! Book now whilst there are still spaces left, by emailing anna@balancedMum.com or phoning 07764 235394

For more details visit http://www.balancedmum.com/Time-To-Achieve.pdf . Also check out the free “stuff” on www.BalancedMum.com

Create holiday times every week

2010-04-21T16:45:00.002+01:00

I hope you all managed to have a break over Easter and enjoyed a change of pace. I thoroughly enjoyed a family break in Lancashire. I had some quality time with the kids and some lovely evenings with my husband, Andrew. Some of the time that I enjoyed with my family wasn't location specific - for example, we played games instead of watching tv. It got me thinking, what is it about holidays that we enjoy, and how can we translate that into our everyday lives?

Quick Quote

“Holiday is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer”

Tips to get that holiday feeling

First, think of what it is you enjoy about your holidays and write them down. Here are some thoughts which may resonate with you, but I'm sure you will have your own personal favourites:

time away from work (if you have a job)
less domestic chores - washing, cooking, cleaning
quality time with people you love
opportunities to relax
good food & wine
sunshine & time outdoors
fun activities and experiences
new places to see

Now, take each one in turn, and next to it, write down how you can achieve that on a regular basis. Here are some ideas:

Use the deadline effect to create free time - have you ever noticed how much you achieve just before you go on holiday? Why is this? It is partly because you have a real deadline and you become very efficient, doing only those jobs which absolutely need doing. How can you create this effect every week? Can you create a deadline every Friday, for example which allows you to leave work a little earlier, or stop doing household chores?
Do less domestic chores - wouldn't that be lovely I hear you cry? Could you lower your standards, and do less ironing for example? As my son said to me "I don't want clean clothes, I want time with you, Mummy"
Schedule time for things which are important to you - if you don't prioritise them, and you don't put them on the family calendar, or in your diary, they are much less likely to happen. Schedule time for you - a class, exercise, time to relax (Wednesdays is pilates for me) and time for friends and family that you want to see. Why not make friday evenings a special family meal and Sunday afternoons, family activity time, for example?
Create an evening out at home - ok, so it would be lovely to be sipping wine Al fresco with a waiter delivering fine food, but why not treat yourself at home? Switch off the tv, set the table with a tablecloth and candles, dress up as though you are going out, open a bottle of wine, put your taste of music on, and spend some time doing a delicious meal (there are plenty of shops willing to help us out with ready made dinners for two if you don't enjoy cooking!). If your kids are slightly older they may enjoy being waiters for you! See where the evening takes you...
Get out whilst the sun shines - I'd love to be a magician and create hot sunshine in Edinburgh in April (its currently 2 degrees - brrrr), but I do try and get out to enjoy the sun when it shines.
Explore areas close to home - if you like new activities and places to explore, try looking close to home. Many people have not done the "tourist" activities in their home town, or done all the day trips.

If you have any other idea that you would like to share, please comment here so that everyone can benefit!

A relaxation technique

2010-02-15T21:29:00.002Z

I would like to thank my first yoga teacher, Ursula from London (who I still miss), for teaching me how to relax. This is part of her method and I find that it gives you just enough to think about to stop your mind wandering, but beautifully relaxes body and mind. There is a much longer version called Yoga Nidra, but I am just going to give you the first 5/10 minutes to start you off. If you would like me to create a full, audio version, let me know.

Read through the relaxation first, and try and remember it (or at least understand the concept). Then, ideally, lie on the floor with your arms slightly away from your body and your palms facing upwards. But if you happen to be on a bus, or a chair somewhere, it still works quite well, so give it a try:

With your eyes closed, feel your body still and steady
Tell yourself you will stay absolutely still and repeat silently to yourself "I am about to relax"
Feel the natural rhythm of your breath as you breathe in and out (don't try to change your breathing, just notice the natural rhythm).
Become aware of any sounds, near and far, let them come and go
Notice any smells, sense them coming and going
Now is the time to repeat your "sankalpa" or personal affirmation three times. This could be your life goal. (If you don't have one, either listen to my free bonus audio on my website by signing in on the first page, or give me a ring). While our mind is quiet, it has a powerful, positive impact on your life.
Become aware of your stillness and notice your lungs expanding as you breathe in and moving down as you breathe out.
Take a trip around your body (this bit really works) You can do this quite quickly, but take enough time to focus on each part of your body in turn. Focus on each of these parts:

Right hand side: Right thumb, first finger, second finger, third finger, little finger. Palm of the hand, back of the hand, wrist, forearm, elbow, upper arm, shoulder, armpit. Right side of the torso, right waist, hip, thigh - inner thigh and outer thigh, knee - front of the knee and back of the knee, shin, calf, ankle, heel. Right foot - top of the foot, sole, instep, big toe, second toe, third toe, fourth toe, little toe.
Left hand side: Left thumb, first finger, second finger, third finger, little finger. Palm of the hand, back of the hand, wrist, forearm, elbow, upper arm, shoulder, armpit. Left side of the torso, left waist, hip, thigh - inner thigh and outer thigh, knee - front of the knee and back of the knee, shin, calf, ankle, heel. Left foot - top of the foot, sole, instep, big toe, second toe, third toe, fourth toe, little toe.
Back torso: Buttocks, spine - lower, middle and upper spine. Shoulders - left shoulder, right shoulder and both shoulders together, neck - front and back
Head and face: Back of your head, scalp, top of your head, forehead, left and right eyebrows, space between your eyebrows (eyebrow centre), ears - left and right, eye and eyelids - left and right, cheeks - left and right, nose, upper lip, lower lip, chin
Front torso: Throat, chest - right and left sides, heart, stomach, diaphragm, navel, abdomen, pelvis
Whole body - right leg, left leg, right arm, left arm, head, back of body - shoulders, back and spine, front of body - chest, heart, abdomen. Whole body.

Repeat your sankalpa 3 times, take a long inhalation and exhalation, stretch your fingers and toes, move your head gently from side to side, roll onto one side before slowly coming up to sitting and opening your eyes

If this looks like too much to remember, see if you can get a friend or partner to read it out to you. Alternatively just think of it as relaxing each part of your body in turn, and focussing briefly on that body part as you do it. That is the core of the exercise.

If you have any other relaxation methods that you would like to share, why not comment here and let everyone know so that they can benefit too?

2010-02-12T11:22:00.000Z

“The time to relax is when you don't have time for it.” ~ Sydney J Harris

Learn to relax

Do you ever feel like you're running up the down escalator? Do you feel you have to constantly be doing something to get through everything you should do? Could you be a busyaholic?

If this is you, then the chances are, you're addicted to the buzz you get from being under stress. It may even make you feel guilty if you take time off (and I can hear you screaming..."but you don't understand, I have too much to do to take time off..."!).

The theory says that if you want to be a peak performer (in sport, at home or at work) you need periods of intense activity followed by periods of recovery.

"life is not a marathon - it is a series of sprints" ~ Loehr

1.Listen to your body's natural rhythm. Research has shown that your mind and body have an 'ultradian rest phase' every 90 minutes. Notice when you are finding it hard to concentrate and there is a subtle feeling of relaxation. Don't over-ride this with caffeine or ignore it. You may have to listen very hard to your body and mind if you are in the habit of ignoring it.

2.Relax for between 5 and 20 minutes. When you notice this feeling, go with it and relax, twice a day. Your body is able to do important restorative work during this phase, if you let it. You can relax whilst on the bus, cuddling your kids or just slip out for 5 minutes and find a quiet spot (please just don't do it whilst you are driving!).

If you are a busyaholic, by relaxing every day you will become more efficient and less likely to succumb to a stress related illness (and sadly there are many). It may seem trivial, but it could be one of the most beneficial habits you ever acquire.

Decluttering

2010-02-12T11:19:00.000Z

Quick Quote

"My riches consist, not in the extent of my possessions, but in the fewness of my wants." ~ J. Brotherton

Top Tips on de-cluttering

Christmas is over and we now have too much stuff…Clutter creates stress. And stress zaps your energy and creativity. By taking some time to clear out and tidy, you'll be re-energized and clutter-free.

1. Break the job down into manageable parts. As with all projects, if you view it as one enormous project, it is impossible to take a bite out of the elephant and you will procrastinate. It is better to list which areas you are going to de-clutter by room and then by smaller area/thing, a drawer or a shelf at a time, and prioritise.

2. Schedule some time to do it. Put half an hour on your calendar next week when you are going to do some de-cluttering. It is ideal if you don’t have anything scheduled straight afterwards as you may get really into it! Also, do 5 minute bursts when you get the chance. It’s amazing what you can do in 5 minutes.

3. Put everything into one of 4 "buckets":

• I'd like to keep it – find it a home and put it there

• I’ll give it away – find someone else who would like it. Either give it to a friend, a charity shop, or give it away on freecycle:www.freecycle.org/

• I’d like to sell it – try and sell it on ebay, www.ebay.com/ or gumtree www.gumtree.com/

• It’s rubbish - Bin it. Also throw away anything from the second and third buckets which are still hanging around after 1 month of trying to find them a home

4. Set up systems so that the clutter doesn’t build up in the same way again. For example, file the piece of paper straight away, don’t have a "filing pile". Throw one item of clothing out for every new one you get.

Do you have any other successful methods for keeping clutter to a minimum ?

Goal setting

2010-02-12T11:15:00.000Z

It’s the start of a new decade. A great time to put behind you things that are holding you back, clear some space (in your head and your home), and work out what you would really like to achieve this year. And don’t set a New Year’s resolution – they rarely work. Set a goal which excites and motivates you.

Quick Quote

“The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never score.” ~ Bill Copeland

Set a goal

1.Don’t set a New Year’s resolution. Many people set the same one every year and often don’t last beyond the first week. “I want to give up smoking” is unlikely to yield results as it doesn’t have any emotional attachment. Instead try this:

2.Set a goal. You need a real goal, or a vision to motivate you – to keep you alive and to make sure you have something on which to hang your plan. For the smoker, something along the lines of “healthy enough to run around with my kids without getting out of breath” has an image, emotion and a reason behind it. It is more likely to succeed. Make sure youur goal is what you really want, not what you think you should do. Write it in the present tense as though you have achieved it. It should make you excited but a bit scared too.

3.Believe you can achieve your goal. If you don’t believe it then it is unlikely to happen. If this is hard then find other people who have achieved similar goals. Also delve deep to understand what your fears and obstacles are and work out what you need to do to overcome them.

4.Create a plan. Work out what you need to achieve to reach your goal. Break it down into manageable components and then set a step-by-step plan, with deadlines.

5.Share the journey. Work with one or more people so that you are accountable for achieving your action plan, and have support when the going gets tough.

6.De-clutter. Keep you mind focussed on what you are trying to achieve. Try to get rid of distractions and build in sustained periods of time to achieve certain tasks. If you find this hard, yoga and/or meditation can help. When your mind is clear of clutter and your surroundings are neat and orderly, your stress diminishes.

If you need help with any of the above steps, I’m the person to help you…

Christmas gift

2009-12-21T09:35:00.000Z

I just found this story and thought it was beautiful:

It was just a small white envelope

It’s just a small, white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has peeked through the branches of our tree for the past 10 years or so.

It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas – oh, not the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it – overspending… the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma – the gifts given in desperation because you couldn’t think of anything else.

Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts, sweaters, ties and so forth.

I reached for something special just for Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way. Our son Kevin, who was 12 that year, was wrestling at the junior level at the school he attended; and shortly before Christmas, there was a non-league match against a team sponsored by an inner-city church, mostly black. These youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them together, presented a sharp contrast to our boys in their spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes.

As the match began, I was alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without headgear, a kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler’s ears. It was a luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford. Well, we ended up walloping them. We took every weight class. And as each of their boys got up from the mat, he swaggered around in his tatters with false bravado, a kind of street pride that couldn’t acknowledge defeat. Mike, seated beside me, shook his head sadly, “I wish just one of them could have won,” he said. “They have a lot of potential, but losing like this could take the heart right out of them.”

Mike loved kids – all kids-and he knew them, having coached little league football, baseball and lacrosse. That’s when the idea for his present came. That afternoon, I went to a local sporting goods store and bought an assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes and sent them anonymously to the inner-city church.

On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done and that this was his gift from me. His smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year and in succeeding years. For each Christmas, I followed the tradition – one year sending a group of mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game, another year a check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned to the ground the week before Christmas, and on and on. The envelope became the highlight of our Christmas.

It was always the last thing opened on Christmas morning and our children, ignoring their new toys, would stand with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted the envelope from the tree to reveal its contents. As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical presents, but the envelope never lost its allure.

The story doesn’t end there. You see, we lost Mike last year due to dreaded cancer. When Christmas rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I barely got the tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an envelope on the tree, and in the morning, it was joined by three more. Each of our children, unbeknownst to the others, had placed an envelope on the tree for their dad. The tradition has grown and someday will expand even further with our grandchildren standing around the tree with wide-eyed anticipation watching as their fathers take down the envelope. Mike’s spirit, like the Christmas spirit, will always be with us.

Author unknown

Savour Christmas and savour your food

2009-12-14T19:26:00.000Z

In the mad, busy, run up to Christmas it is easy to get swept up in trying to get through a long to-do list and in trying to keep up with the commercial expectations of Christmas. I think it’s time to slow down, to savour the moment, and to savour our food…

1. If you have kids, try and see Christmas through their eyes – it’s magical! If you don’t have kids around borrow some for a day. A simple piece of tinsel can hold their attention for ages. Cast your mind back to when you were a child. Can you remember how it felt and what was special for you?

2. Think about what you enjoyed about last year’s Christmas season. Ask your family the same. Ask them:

What do you remember most about last Christmas?
What did you like best?
Was there something you didn’t like about the holiday season (eg too many activites, trying to fit too many people in?) How would you change it?
If we could only do three things to celebrate Christmas, what would they be?

Try and focus on repeating the good bits and don’t get cajoled into doing the things that are “expected” of you, if you really don’t enjoy them. And take short – cuts without giving yourself a hard time. Talk to people about “obligations” and see if you can find a way around them (a 3 day visit after Christmas may be better than a few hours on the day for example)

3. Enjoy the process. Putting up the tree can be one of the best bits of Christmas, for example. Get the kids to make their own decorations, and I’d like you to let me know what proportion of the baubles you left where the kids hung them and how many you felt compelled to “improve” on! (Perfectionism course coming out next year…)

4. Enjoy each day in the run up to Christmas. Christmas day itself can become an anti-climax. Better to have lots of special moments in the run up to Christmas. Get the kids involved in buying or making presents and wrapping them up. And, if they are crafty, there are loads of things they can do: www.netmums.com/things/Thrifty_Christmas_-_Christmas_Crafts.1757/

5. Make time for quiet time out – a family dvd, board games or just a walk in the crisp air.

6. Make presents as personal as possible. Think of the presents you have treasured most. For me, they are the ones that people have made for me, or have put a lot of thought and effort into. If you’ve got time, hampers are a great way to create something personal. NetMums have some great ideas: www.netmums.com/shop/Christmas_hampers.3611/. Of course, any photo products will be treasured and doing something crafty, such as ceramics, can be priceless too.

7. Try and help someone who is less fortunate. However tight the purse strings are this Christmas, there are many worse off. Donate your time or money to give someone food and love who would otherwise be missing out, visit a pensioner or homeless refuge.

8. Savour your food – one of the best tips for making sure you don’t over-eat during this festive period is to savour every treat. Look at it, smell it, nibble it and let it linger in your mouth for as long as possible. There are no taste buds in your stomach, so you may as well maximise the amount you taste it. Slow down and you will enjoy it more and you’ll be less likely to over-indulge.

9. Plan something fun to do the week after Christmas so that you don't feel any post Christmas let down. Plan to go to an event, take a little trip, or plan a get together with friends.

Aim high

2009-11-26T09:43:00.000Z

The greatest danger is not that we aim too high and we miss it, but that we aim too low and we reach it – Michelangelo

Finding yourself

2009-11-25T15:54:00.000Z

Michaelangelo was once asked where he found the inspiration to create the wonderful sculpture of David. He said ‘I did not make David. I revealed him in the stone. All I had to do was to remove the parts of the stone that were not David and reveal the perfect David.’ That is what a good coach will do for you. Reveal the perfect you that exists inside all of us.

Good Grief!

2009-11-17T11:18:00.000Z

Allow yourself to grieve. It may take months or even years but give yourself the time and space and don’t try to hurry it. Everyone is different – find your way…for however long it takes you.

You may associate grief with the death of a loved one – and this type of loss does often cause the most intense grief. But any loss can cause grief, including:

• A relationship break-up or divorce
• Loss of health
• Losing a job
• Failing to get a particular job
• Loss of financial stability
• Moving house
• A miscarriage
• Loss of an anticipated healthy child if you have a child with serious health issues
• Loss of a cherished dream
• Loss of a friendship

There are many “models” of grieving but the one below is a simple version which I find most helpful. It is important to remember that whilst it is written as a series of steps, these steps are not necessarily sequential and you may need to repeat steps a few times, or you may avoid some altogether.

The 5 stages of grief:

1. Denial - The first reaction to a loss, numbness or shock can help cushion the blow and can help you get through the initial practical ramifications. This stage can last a few hours, days, or even a few weeks.

2. Anger - The numbness wears off, and the painful realization of the loss hits full-force; you will yearn deeply for what you have lost. You may be angry and have regrets of things left unsaid or dreams never realized.

3. Despair & sadness - The storm of intense emotions of the second stage gives way to a period of heavy sadness, silence and sometimes withdrawal from family and friends. This can happen quite a long time after the event, just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

4. Re-organisation - Over time, the sadness stage will start to lessen, and you will begin to see a lightening of your emotions. You will start to perceive your life in a more positive light, although bouts of grief and sadness may persist, possibly for the rest of your life, depending on the depth of loss and your personality. You will start to seek practical solutions to the new problems you are facing.

5. Moving on - The final phase of this model is to accept the loss and move on with your life. Sadness will lessen greatly, and new interests will gradually occupy your thoughts more and more, crowding out the misery and desolation. The final stage is when you find a way to move forwards.

All of the grief models stress that you may never fully "get over" or forget your loss, especially if you have lost someone very close to you. The grief process allows you to integrate your memories into a more manageable place in your psyche and heart so that you can resume your life. The process works.

Top Tips

1. Find and accept support – from wherever helps you most, family, friends, faith, counsellors…

2. Feel your feelings – don’t try and suppress them. Allow yourself to cry to talk about your feelings and know that it is ok to laugh too. Try writing your feelings down.

3. Look after yourself – It is more important than ever to make yourself number 1 and eat well, exercise lots and try and avoid excess alcohol or other artificial ways of masking the pain.

“I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me but I find I am grateful for having loved them. The gratitude has finally conquered the loss.” - Rita Mae Brown

BalancedMum.com

Create your 3 magic words for 2012

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.Watch your words, for they become actions.Watch your actions, for they become habits.Watch your habits, for they become character.Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

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Good Grief!

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”